The other day I was chatting with someone and she suggested me to keep a journal of this days.

She had a good idea but I’m not sure if I want to dedicate so much room on my blog to ” this “.

If you read my previous posts, you know the chronological history of the events, if you didn’t I can just say I was diagnosed on June 25 with an AVN (Avascular Necrosis) and I fought with all my heart and soul to have the core decompression surgery on July 3rd…barely a week after my diagnosis.

I’m now in 6 weeks of no weight bearing and I have two new shadows called crutches. Is not fun at all.

Pretty much I have to stay in bed all day. Time moves slow. Minutes last like hours. Day by day is just me and 4 walls. As much as I want to spend time between beauty masks ; study ; coloring books ; reading ; scrap booking it gets boring.

  
I feel like being in a Little Bubble from which I can’t escape. My mind is always busy,full of worries. The surgery has less then 50% of success rates which is intimidating. I’m also scared that after six weeks I will be limping and i don’t want. All I want is to feel better, to walk again , to walk without pain and limping because I need to finish what I started…I need to go back and finish Ground School.

I can’t, I won’t let this disease take my FA dream away. Not now that I made it, that I was there .

As right now, any tasks that before was easy or normal is hard. It is almost impossible for me to clean my room, to cook, to do laundry and it is hard to shower and/or wash my hair. What was normality has become short and medium goals to achieve . Is not easy when my right leg can’t touch the ground, when I have to move through this walls with a pair of crutches.

It hurts to look outside and see people running knowing that I can’t run. I keep my running and workout shoes and outfits hidden so I don’t have to look at them.

In situation like this , even a strong woman like me can have breakdown. As much as I try to stay positive, tears comes down from my eyes to my chicks and end up on my neck. Everyone in my situation would struggle. Anyone in my situation would be worry. Anyone in my situation would be sad.

This disease hit me on a sunny and bright day like a pouring rain.

  

And in all this I have to deal with the Pain which is not a joke. I have been trying to don’t take painkillers and luckily I go for days without them. But then, there she goes…that unbelievable pain that doesn’t let me breath,that doesn’t let me sleep,that just keeps me in bed 24 hours on 24 hours. Will this nightmare ever come to an end?

I have to sleep with my right leg elevated with two pillows. If I try to sleep on my left side I have to put a pillow in between my legs to don’t feel the pain. Sleeping on my right side, the one where I had the surgery is impossible even if, during the night my mind fights my body and moving just cause me more pain.

Zero Help :

I don’t have a family near me. My family lives far from here and my parents on the other side of the ocean. I don’t have an husband or boyfriend . It is just me and my friends. But there is only so much that friends can do and I’m absolutely guilty because I don’t ask for help.  It is hard for an independent women that has been on her own for 17 years to ask for help, to rely on others. And days go by just like that without having something in my stomach because I cannot cook, I can’t go to the grocery store and carry a bag or a cart or anything. 

I don’t suppose to drive but sometimes I do and I take small trips over to 7 eleven to buy protein bars. I didn’t had a decent meal in so long! But at least those snacks feed my hunger and I know that more days need to pass before I can drive to a small store to grab some protein bars . I miss eating a normal fresh salad, go out for dinner with friends.

I miss my life.

What Do you think ?

Just like you, I never thought this would happen to me. I have always seen illness on a distance until the day the Avascular Necrosis appeared into my life and took anything I had because when you don’t have your health you don’t have nothing.

Some days I just want to sleep and wake up in six weeks which is the time required post surgery and then? I can’t sleep because my mind is still busy and full of worries.

Hopefully one day I will read this and remembering this as a past nightmare.

 

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