When your health fails you, you come at the realization that nothing else matter. Not anymore.

Being in pain 24/7 is hard. It would be an hard task for anyone. Some days my mind goes to places where ” it didn’t suppose to go “. I look back, I think about ” Before I had my diagnosis ” and I miss that happy and shiny person full of life that used to smile everyday. I miss the person that used to wake up, turn on the radio and get ready for her day. I miss that person full of energy, creativity and extroverted . I miss myself and I miss my life.

Needles,surgeries,recoveries, physical therapies, X-rays , MRIs , blood works, injections and much more, have drained me. An illness put me in a deep hole. Now I don’t know how to go back to shine. I don’t know how to get my life back. I don’t know how to be strong again. 

I cannot live in the past . I cannot live asking ” why is this happened to me? “. That would be simply complicate the situation even more. I have, I should react and instead I’m being passive.

I couldn’t take a bad news now. Not now. I’m exhausted . I’m tired. This is too much to handle even for a strong Woman like me. I just want to cry. I just want to crawl in the bed , under the blankets. When I look at the nurses and the Doctors … I look at them like it is ” normality “. My normality is not longer like the real normality. I’m so tired.

I’m scared of what the future holds for me. 

Dear illness…please don’t progress anymore. Dear Life, please start to be very nice with me. Dear Destiny, please send me a lot of Luck.